Sai Baba, Testicles, and Sleight of Hand: a letter by an ex-devotee (Said)

Author: Said
Publisher: The NEURAL SURFER
Publication date: May 1997

E-mail David Christopher Lane directly at

I want to go back to the home base now.

From  Tue May 27 09:45:33 1997

Hello Professor Lane, as we had talked, I am giving you a thorough =
account of my experiences with Sai Baba.  I hope that this will be of =
interest to people and will help them to understand what Baba is all =
about.  Thank you for giving me the chance to write this essay.=20

I first got to know of Sai Baba in 1985 or 1986 through my brother.  His =
friend had given him a book on Sai Baba which had a picture of Baba on =
the cover.  I asked my brother who this person is and he explained to me =
what he so far knew about him.  Being born a Moslem I rejected Baba from =
the very beginning because I couldn't believe that another person - =
another human form if you want to be philosophical about it - could be =
God. =20

It wasn't until 1990 or 1991 that I started to believe in Baba.  At that =
time in my life I was very confused about life and the purpose of my =
existence.  Many unanswered questions were in my mind and I was very =
confused and unhappy.  Having heard of the "miracles" of Sai Baba =
through my brother who WAS A DEVOTEE OF SAI BABA, I thought to myself =
that if Baba can do such miracles, then he must know more about life, =
the world, the purpose of life, etc.  I then started taking Sai Baba =
seriously.  I started reading about him and also his teachings.  Now =
that I look back, in all my confusion and mental torment, I was so =
desperate to believe in some philosophy that I jumped to believe in Baba =
and his philosophy.  Also, I came to believe that Sai Baba is God by =
reasoning that he MUST BE A HOLLY PERSON, and so he couldn't lie.  If he =
can't tell a lie, then he is God because he says so.  When I came to =
this conclusion, I felt as though I was in heaven.  Could you imagine a =
day when God or a Messenger of God comes to earth and you get to be with =
him, close to him, see him, talk to him, etc?  Could you imagine being =
next to the Messenger of God and believe full heartedly that He will =
save you?  Could there be a better situation and feeling?  That is how I =
felt and that's how people feel when they first come to Sai Baba or any =
other person who says they are a Messenger or are divine or are in =
contact with God.  At the beginning of my following Baba, I felt in =
seven heaven for months.  I couldn't get enough of looking at his =
pictures, meditating, reading his teachings and living life in =
accordance with his teachings, etc.  I was totally being absorbed by him =
and his philosophy.  Looking at other Sai devotees - followers - I found =
out that this is true for all devotees, that all who come to Baba, are =
in ecstasy first few months and later become very mentally distressed =
individuals.  I am sure the current Sai devotees would dispute this but =
I have seen it over and over again.  When I was feeling mentally =
distressed for reasons that I will soon explain, I would tell anyone and =
everyone that meeting Sai Baba was the best thing that happened to me =
and that I had never been happier.  It wasn't until much after that I =
realized that I was fooling myself to the point that I totally ignored =
and thought that there was no pain.  Upon my studies on psychology, I =
realized that humans tend to do that.  They tend to pretend something is =
true, to the point that it looks more and more as reality to them while =
others can see those short comings in them.  I have seen many short =
comings in Sai devotees which they claim are not there. =20

So, I was very happy to have come to know of Sai Baba, of God.  I put =
his teachings into practice fully.  Slowly, I started to wear out.  =
Baba's teachings are very hard and I couldn't keep up with them.  For =
example it was hard to try to remember God at all times, especially when =
you have to concentrate on your daily tasks and God at the same time.  I =
started feeling guilty for not being able to live up to Baba's teachings =
and I would tell myself that I should be ashamed of myself for not doing =
what God wants me to do.  Who or what kind of person gets to know God =
first hand and have the good chance to know him, while many billions of =
people don't know him, and still not follow his teachings?  I was =
failing on many instances, such as remembering God, being celibate, not =
listening to the desires of the body, the senses, the mind, etc.  I had =
a very hard time remembering God and not falling to temptations.  I was =
19 or 20 and my hormones were exploding.  Everytime I met Baba, he would =
tell me to control my sexuality and so on and I wasn't able to.  When =
the hormones were going full swing I would try to ignore my "bad" =
thoughts by trying to remember God. 99.99999% of time I would fail.  I =
would play with myself - I didn't have any girlfriends or even girls as =
friends with whom I could possibly start a relationship;  having girls =
around could arise temptations and would be very bad for spirituality, =
so I thought.  So, I would play with myself and when doing so I would =
feel very guilty and when finished I would feel a thousand times more =
guilty.  I would scorn myself to many things like being disobedient to =
God, not having enough faith, not having enough will power, not loving =
God - Sai Baba - full heartedly, etc.  You might be asking me why I am =
emphasizing guilt.  As a result of all of this I became very depressed =
and also I had a lot of paranoia.  I came to the point that from the =
pain, my chest felt like had opened and I could feel every cell in my =
chest blowing from the pain as if they were boiling water.  At the same =
time I was very paranoid about things.  After years of telling myself =
that I was stupid and not good enough, I had somehow come to the belief =
that I was crazy. I would interpret every sentence ten different ways.  =
And I was very confused as to which of the ten was the right meaning.  =
Can you imagine thinking you are crazy and interpret things as such?  =
Could you imagine doubting every single thought you have?  Could you =
imagine thinking to yourself if your understanding of every single thing =
is correct?  It gives such pain that I cannot explain, and I am not only =
making it big, but since you haven't felt it, it is small.  I had to =
choose between the face value and the ten other meanings which I had =
come up with.  And what did Baba do or how did Baba direct me at my =
times of need?  Well, in all my interviews he would scorn me for not =
being strong enough, he would tell me to just do, never try, just do.  =
He told me that I was very weak.  If he knew anything about my =
situation, he would tell me something to bring my spirits up, instead of =
daring to tell me things to further break me down.  When he told me I =
was weak, I would be harder on myself when I fell again.  I would tell =
horrible things to myself, such things as "It is no wonder you are =
stupid...", "Baba has read you nicely, you are so stupid.", etc.  This =
kind of self-bashing had become a trend of thought which I still fight.  =
The simplest thing Baba could do was to tell me to not feel guilty.  But =
instead he was satisfying his own DESIRES in the private interviews with =

As a result of all this depression and paranoia I slowly got away from =
practicing the teachings of Sai Baba.  Everytime I would try to do what =
he said, I would feel more depressed and paranoid.  Of course, it was =
very hard to do so, as I still believed in the divinity of Baba and his =
teachings.  What gave me a real push was a movie which my brother - =
another brother who is a non-devotee of Baba - gave me regarding Sai =
Baba.  The movie was filmed by a Korean research group which visited =
Baba.  They caught him cheating on the "materialization" of a necklace.  =
The picture was so clear and it sent me into shock.  However, it took me =
over six months to come to deal with the movie.  During this six months, =
everytime a thought of the movie came to my mind I would push it away =
and destroy it as was a trend of my mind by then.  All "negative" =
thoughts or thoughts that are obstacles to my "faith" were to be =
destroyed immediately and replaced with "good" thoughts.  So, even in =
the face of overwhelming evidence that the movie showed, I had a hard =
time dealing with it until over six months later.  Any thought that Baba =
might be cheating or might not be God made my stomach so very much upset =
and my mind so very disturbed.  But eventually I had to deal with the =
problem.  When I had finally dealt with the movie, then it was time to =
look for any reasons which Baba would do such a thing.  This had also =
become a trend of mind, which is very much prevalent within the Sai =
devotees.  In any situation, Sai devotees, would start to logic by =
saying "Baba is God, therefore he is fully pure".  Then all else was put =
into perspective based on that.  After a while this sentence is passed =
and you make all decisions based on this sentence subconsciously.  I =
made up some reasons as to why Baba would cheat on that particular =
materialization.  Of course, I thought that Baba was cheating on that =
particular materialization.  Another idea which is very prevalent within =
Sai devotees is that if something goes wrong regarding anything is a =
result of Baba's will.  He wanted it to happen so and it most probably =
is a test of faith.  But then if that is the case, then what would =
justify a problem and what is a test of faith?  I had to deal with this =
question also.  I am sorry for taking you through so many ideas but I am =
purposely doing so to show you the level of mind control which is =
imposed on EVERY Sai devotee.  How can such thinking be anything =
spiritual?  Of course, to every Sai devotee, this is the way to =
Salvation since they are in the middle of it and they have full faith in =
the teachings which bring about such thoughts and mind control.  I was =
going through so much mental decision-making and you would be surprised =
why I would do such a thing in the face of so many other experiences =
which I had with Baba.  I will explain those experiences now.

I visited Sai Baba three times, on three straight summers.  Once I =
stayed there one and half months, another time I stayed two and half =
months and the last time I was there for three and half.  My first two =
trips I had seven interviews and a total of seven private interviews, =
with just me and Baba in the private interview room.  Baba had =
materialized a gold ring with three stones which he told me were =
diamonds.  The ring did not fit the finger on which Baba had placed it =
but I left it there regardless, as that was the finger Baba had chosen =
to put it on.  Here I would like to mention that of the four rings which =
Baba has "materialized" for my family and myself, none of them fit =
correctly.  In all the books regarding the "miracles" of Sai Baba, you =
will read that ALL such rings fit the person perfectly.  I have never =
read a book were it was told that almost all rings fit perfectly.  And =
also, later I found out that the stones were not diamonds.  The stones =
after a while got black and two of the three fell out.  I took this to =
mean that Baba is angry at me for not being good, for not practicing his =
teachings as well as I COULD, for trying and not doing. =20

Another thing that was interesting was that Baba would not be able to =
tell things correctly.  In one instance I was told by him that the night =
before I had fever.  I didn't, neither was I in any kind of heat. :o )   =
Perhaps he wanted me to, but I wasn't.   I just let it go, destroyed it =
right there and then, that very instant.  No doubts were allowed. =20

In my first private interview, Baba did a ceremony which is supposed to =
be sacred in Hinduism and is done to all the followers by their gurus.  =
This practice involves the guru putting oil on his hand and pushing his =
hand upward between the front testicle and the back area.  That area is =
supposed to be a special area which is very important to spiritual =
practice of the devotee.  This action is supposed to awaken this area, =
which is supposedly full of energy, which will then play an important =
role in the thought of the devotees.  In my case, it was more of the =
opposite and my thoughts were never changed for the better.  I was =
getting worst as time passed.

In every private interview after that Baba would ask me to put down my =
pants while he massaged my testicle.  I would reason that Baba perhaps =
is passing some energy to that area.  Perhaps I had damaged that area or =
something in that area by playing with myself.  I had found reasons in =
order to destroy any doubts that might come to mind.  In one occasion, =
Baba was not just massaging it, he was trying to give me a hard on.  The =
thought that he is doing so came to my mind then, but of course I =
destroyed it.  Now, as an ex-devotee, I am able to see and think about =
what he was doing, rather than destroy it.  At this interview, as he was =
pushing his hand back and forth on my testicle, I was telling him about =
many different things on my mind.  Of course, I was so sure that he is =
doing the best thing for me that I was thinking of something else.  I =
was telling him about the problems in my country of Iran, how the people =
are suffering, the problems of my family and my own problems.  He =
couldn't get me hard so all of a sudden with anger and an angry face he =
threw my thing up against my stomach and with an angry face he turned =
his back to me.  I thought he is probably angry at me because I should =
have more faith in him, he already knows all my problems, everything in =
my mind, and he will help me in whatever way he can.  Actually, he was =
angry that I didn't get hard and so when he turned towards me he told me =
to put my pants up again.  This was the only occasion which he kept some =
distance between me and him while he was playing with me.  Every other =
time, he would hug me and do it.   My question to those who believe that =
Baba's intentions in playing with me was pure is that  if Baba says not =
a blade of  grass moves without his will, then why does he have to touch =
me in that way to perform whatever pure intention or will he had in =
mind?  Or is it that when he was playing with me, he was being good to =
me by giving me the privilege of being close to him and interact with =
him?  For those who are not following, Sai followers believe that Baba =
knows all our inner thoughts and the reason why he talks to us is =
because he is trying to talk to us for our own enjoyment.  He really =
doesn't have to talk at all or ask us questions regarding our lives =
since he is the All-knowing.  He does so for our sake, so that we can =
talk to him and interact with him.  Could it be that Sai Baba was =
playing with me in order to satisfy my needs to interact with him?  And =
what kind of satisfaction did he - or do you - think I would get from =
that kind of interaction?

In almost all of such interviews, Baba would breath harder and sometimes =
he would make noises too.  Something I forgot to tell you about the =
private interview above was that while I was telling Baba about these =
problems, his face was getting uneasy while he constantly, the whole =
time was looking down at my testicle.  His eyebrows got twisted and his =
face got more and more upset as he was trying to play with me.  I wonder =
why?   He sometimes would tell me that I was weak there, there was too =
much being wasted from there, etc.  Why then did he touch it?  Was he =
fixing things?  Why did he have to fix things by touching and rubbing =
and going back and forth?

In one interview, he stood up while I was kneeling on my knees.  With =
his right hand, to took my head and put it against his stomach.  With =
his left hand he took my right hand and put it against his testicle.  He =
rubbed my hand there for a short while and this time he was making loud =
noises of ....   I tried to look up to his face to see it, but he pushed =
my head hard against his stomach and did not allow me to look up.  So, I =
didn't try again.  While he took my hand there, I felt his testicle, =
although I didn't grab it, I just let him direct my hand and do whatever =
he wants.  At the same time, I would touch him by the outside part of my =
hand.  As I said before, he was making loud voices while he was doing =
that.  This took about two minutes before he let go of me and my hand =
and said "This is God"!!!  Whatever!!!  It was his way of putting a =
controlled mind to think and find many answers to what that whole =
situation was all about.  It was his way of covering the sick idea of =
having me touch him, and also covering his loud, wild voices.  Anyhow, =
those of you who have a clear and logical mind understand me.

I had these experiences and still it took me over six months to deal =
with the movie that I mentioned before.  After dealing with this movie, =
I went to look over some of the movies which we had about Baba.  These =
movies are movies which are prevalent within Sai devotees.  The very =
first movie which I watched is called "God lives in India".  In that =
movie they showed about four or five instances which Baba cheats the =
"materialization" of ash - ash is supposedly holy and is supposedly =
being created by Baba from thin air.  One of these instances is a very =
close, clear shot which shows Baba take something with his right hand =
from underneath of some letters in his left hand while bending over a =
bit to talk to someone.  He then takes the letters by his right hand and =
cleans his left hand.  Then he takes the letters from the right hand and =
immediately starts to motion his right hand in circular motion which is =
a "sign" that he is going to create something out of thin air.  This =
shot is a close-up and very clear.  After seeing this first movie, I =
knew the truth and didn't watch any other movies.  I am sure if the =
other movies have segments that show Baba's actions twenty seconds prior =
to each "creation" of ash or whatever, you can see him cheating. =20

More recently, there was a movie on cable TV here in the US which showed =
Baba CHEAT on materialization of a ring or necklace, I don't remember.  =
There was much argument about it on the internet newsgroups.  Bon =
Govani, a Sai devotee, defended his opinion of what the movie showed by =
saying each person saw a different thing. What everyone, including Bon =
agree on is that Baba does some weird thing with his hand under a plate =
before he brings down his hand and starts to circle his hand.  Sai =
devotees have their own way of thinking and so their own reasons and =
answers.  It will be impossible to convince these people on anything.  =
The more you use your reasons to find something or some way to prove =
your points, the more they will use their twisted reasoning to counter =
attack your ideas.  Their counter attack is 99% illogical since they are =
used to twisting things around.  Besides what good is a logical path =
which starts with "Baba is God..."?  Baba is God, therefore, he couldn't =
have cheated on that movie, therefore, everyone sees a different thing =
when they see that movie.  They don't think that what kind of motion is =
Baba making?  Why is he making that motion?   Why is he making it under =
the plate?  Why the need of that motion?  Etc.

So, I am looking forward to getting a lot of illogical responses to this =
essay.  I welcome them and look forward to disproving any illogical =
ideas.  I hope that their responses and my replies will give all of you =
a hint of how brainwashed the Sai devotees are and what a sorry state of =
mind they have.  Hopefully, those Sai devotees who still have some =
reason left can benefit substantially from this and can overcome all =
mind control tricks that have been imposed on them.  And, hopefully, all =
those who are considering Sai Baba, would have the luck to see these =
postings and can benefit from them too.  I really hope so.

I would like to give an example of how illogical Sai devotees can be.  =
The following are excerpts from =  It's a great site at =
getting some information on Sai Baba's real personality.  This is a =
quotation from John Hislop's book on Sai Baba.  He was one of Sai Baba's =
closest followers and passed on a few years ago, still a devotee.  You =
will find the following amusing.

"We can get a sense of Sai Baba's diagnostic `ability' from the =
following account which happened to John Hislop.

110 - Sai Baba's Misdiagnosis of John Hislop's Medical Condition:
'While asleep in Brindavan in the month of October, 1978, without any =
prior warning to me, the prostate suddenly closed off the urethra. What =
happened then was agonizing, but nevertheless most comical. When Baba =
came down from his apartment, about 8 a.m., I told him that the urethra =
was closed and that already the bladder was very swollen. He smiled, =
said not to worry, and gave me vibhuti ["holy" ash]. About 11 a.m., he =
returned from inspecting some new construction and as he came to the =
veranda, both Dr. Goldstein and I approached him saying that my =
condition seemed to be serious. Baba came up to me, looked in my eyes, =
patted me on the head and said not to worry, it was just the heat. Then =
at 4 p.m., when Baba usually came down after rest, I did not wait, but =
sent a note upstairs that the situation was steadily getting worse and =
that now severe pains were moving back and forth throughout my body. =
Baba came down immediately. In the group of devotees waiting for him, =
there were, as usual, several physicians, including Dr. Goldstein from =
California. Without any discussion, Baba told the doctors to take me at =
once to the hospital and operate if necessary.

Now the comedy quickened. We got into several cars and went to Baba's =
hospital for women in Whitefield. The Medical Officer-in-Charge, Dr. =
Mrs. C. Rajeswari, made an examination room available, and the assembled =
doctors tried some 20 or more times to insert various sizes of catheters =
into the bladder, but with total failure.

By now I was in agony, although I bit my tongue and kept silent. It was =
the immediate decision of the doctors that an emergency opening would =
have to be made through the wall of the abdomen...

At Bangalore, the job was botched by the resident surgeons; heavy =
infection set in, and in three days Baba ordered me back to =
Brindavan...Baba arranged for the operation at the Whitefield =
hospital...The care was magnificent...The entire inside of my abdominal =
cavity was filled with virulent infection, and the tissues were so =
rotted that standard operating procedures could not be used...

Why the big comedy in the whole affair? It took me some time to figure =
it out...Why the deadly complications at the Bangalore =
hospital?...Finally, at the time of another visit, I told Baba that I =
had figured the matter out. My conclusion was that I had come to the end =
of my natural life, Baba had let me go down to the final step, and at =
the last moment, he had reversed my natural death by giving me rebirth. =
Baba smiled and confirmed that what I said was true; he had given me new =
life. After returning home to Mexico in January, some continuing =
complications arose which took me into a Mexican hospital and then an =
American hospital. Baba sent word to not worry, that these were just =
rebirth pains.'[!?!?!?!??!?!]

John Hislop, My Baba & I, pp. 49-51."

I have always enjoyed reading this passage and still do enjoy it.  Great =
comedy indeed!

One thing that I forgot to say is that on my last trip to India, there =
were about 20 American and Indian American college students which came =
to attend Baba's summer classes which mainly concentrate on =
spirituality.  Some of these students considered themselves devotees, =
others had come to see and judge Baba for themselves.  In an interview =
Baba "materialized" a ring or something else for either all of those =
students or majority of them.  At least half of those students say that =
they saw Baba CHEAT.  They reported that they saw Baba take and put =
things from the sides or back - I don't remember which one they said - =
of the chair that he was seating on.  When I say the sides or the back I =
mean the sides of the cushion of the chair or the backside of the =
cushion.  These students were firm in what they saw.  After this =
interview, some four days later, Baba was out giving darshan - walking =
around, sometimes stopping to talk to some individuals, sometimes =
choosing individuals or groups of individuals for an interview.  He =
stopped in front of the American students which were sitting in an area =
that was designated to them.  He made the circular motion, and =
supposedly created some ash and threw it on one of the student's face.  =
During this time, his back was to me.  When he turned around I saw his =
face was very angry.  He was pissed!  As usual, as you know why, I =
didn't give importance to this.  Later, one of the boys in the American =
group, with whom I had become very close told me that this student who =
was thrown ash to face and eyes was very vocal about what they had seen =
in the interview room, namely, Baba taking things from the chair on =
which he sat on.  Now, if Baba's life is his message as he says so, then =
 is it right that we act in this way when someone criticizes us?  I am =
sure I'll get a few reasons as to why Baba did such a thing.  Or at =
best, I might get something like Baba's intentions are not known to us =
and  that I can't say why he did that.  I'll be looking forward to =
reading the reasons.

I welcome all comments and suggestions to my e-mail:  =

Before I go, I urge all who are interested in Baba to see the movies =
that I mentioned and also to get to know Sai Baba devotees very =
personally.  Be as close as you can to them as if they are your best =
friends.  Study them and see if they have changed as a result of knowing =
Baba.  I am sure you will come to the conclusion that although they are =
doing more service, their personality is kind of deceiving and =
hypocritical, since they proclaim one thing and act another.  Another =
thing I would like to say is that all of the ex-devotees of Sai Baba =
that I know have realized that life was a misery to them while they were =
following Baba.  Do not be fooled by the devotees that say they have =
peace of mind.  I have seen many who proclaim better state of mind but =
really are very nervous people. =20

Thank you for your time and patience through my long and complicated =
story. =20

E-mail The Neural Surfer directly at

I want to go back to the home base now.