Twitchell on "Complaints": a parody

Author: David Christopher Lane
Publisher: Alt.religion.eckankar
Publication date: 1996

E-mail David Christopher Lane directly at

I want to go back to the home base now.

Paul Twitchell on "complaints"

"1. Complaints of any kind make more karma for the complainant.

"2. Take any attitude or feeling of complaint to the inner planes."

"3. Complaints are NEVER to be taken to the Master or to Las Vegas,
but are to be handled through the Mahdis of your own area but
remember KARMA!"

and my favorite:

"6. Ask the chelas to write out their complaints once a month or so,
then either put it aside for a week and reread it, or mail it to


Just a thought:

I would love to see McDonalds use this same type of complaint
list.... Imagine the possiblities: 

Complaint: "Hey, this coke sucks. No carbonation, dirty cup, and it
tastes like root beer. Is this Jack in the Box or what? If I want
Junk in the Box, I would have gone there. This is McDonalds, home of
the greatest coke going. What gives?"

Twitchellian trained McDonalds' Employee: "Sorry pal, but your
complaining is merely increasing your karmic load and from the looks
of it, you are going to have to reincarnate a couple of more lives
if you persist in saying our cokes suck."

Complaint: "Yo, Ronald Head, i just want a better coke. You dig?
It's hot and this coke is lame; it has no punch. I want the
carbonation to burn baby...."

Twitchellian trained McDonalds' Employee: "Dear Friend, please take
your complaint to the inner planes. Ask Fubbi why your coke is no
good. Or better yet, soul travel to Venus, where I hear they have
some nectar bottle cokes. But keep one thing is mind, the DWARF race
from MARS are not very smart, so their cokes are not as good as the
MAJESTIC Beings bottling plants. In any case, chant Hu when in doubt
about carbonation."

Complaint: "Geez, can't get a straight answer.... I feel like I am
in an MSIA hamburger joint. Who hired you anyways? J.R. I am going
to have to take this up with your head-honcho in Vegas at the MGM

Twitchellian trained McDonalds' Employee:
"No, you are never to take a complaint to Las Vegas.  IT'S
FORBIDDEN. Remember, your complaining simply reflects your own lack
of higher taste. I HAVE SPOKEN! And about those lace panties.....
they don't come with the combo meal. By the way, I talked to God
about the coke's carbonation and he said you have a small penis....
So there."

Complaint: "Do you have any other suggestions, besides the obvious:
get me a new coke?"

Twitchellian trained McDonalds' Employee: "Yes, take your coke home,
put it in a package, and then mail it to yourself. Open it up and
drink it. If it is still not carbonated, then soul travel to the
nearest Golden Arches near you.... I hear there is one in Allahabad,
India, run by some guy named Sudar Singh. One problem, though,
nobody knows the address and the guy never shows up. Good luck."


written when the surf was down,
so if you have any complaints about
what I wrote, don't say anything to me about it,
since it is your karmic load.

Take any complaints you have of this post within......


yearning right now for a coke

E-mail The Neural Surfer directly at

I want to go back to the home base now.